Oh how I wish I could say I stood strong through every storm. I would love to be able to proclaim my faithfulness to my Father during some of the worst years of my life, but to be honest, I can’t. I can’t say there weren’t times that I felt like giving up. I can’t say, despite every loss and every ounce of heartache, that I continued forward in praise. If I’m being completely honest, there were times I thought I couldn’t take another breath. And I’m not using that as a figure of speech, I mean literally, I physically thought I was just going to stop breathing.

Why, you ask?

You see, the past 3 years of my life have truly felt like I have been lost in the wilderness. No home, a pregnancy loss, living in a camper for over a year, almost losing family members, losing family members, a marriage I thought wasn’t going to make it through the storm, friends moving away, so many unanswered prayers, being in a constant state of wait. It’s been one of the most difficult trials of my life, and I literally thought I would never make it out. I begged for reprieve, a light at the end of the tunnel, hope, an answer, a sign, anything to keep me going, but there was very little relief. I’d pray, but wouldn’t receive an answer. I’d ask, but there was only more waiting.

Gosh, how I’d love for this testimony to ring praise, joy, and trust, but unfortunately, thanks to my flesh, it just can’t. I didn’t remain joyous, or strong, or keep my hands raised high in praise, no, instead, I wept. I stayed on my knees and though usually in prayer, there were also times I just cried, having no words at all to say. I’d even grow angry at times and think, “is this really worth it?” “Why do I sew only to never reap?” But every time, every time I thought there was another answer besides God, I’d remember what it was like being lost. I’d remember the suffering and having no comforter, nothing to look forward to eternally, just living for the thrill and never for tomorrow. You see, even in my 3 years of what felt like spiritual destitute, I was still happier than in my “happiest” moment of living for the world.

How did I keep going you ask? I never quit loving God. Yes, I questioned Him. I even doubted Him at times. And no, no I didn’t hear from Him for quite some time, but I never once quit feeling His love and that, well that only made me love Him that much more. When I had pleaded all I could manage, I would just say, “I love you, Lord” over and over again. Maybe it was just to remind myself, or maybe, in fact, it was my own weak way of praising Him. Either way, everyday, I lived by grace. His refusal to let me go was my refusal to leave. If the Lord of all Lord’s could love me at my weakest most undeserving point, surely I could love Him twice as hard as I ever had. And that’s what I did. I began to love Him like I never had before.

Would I relive the last 3 years of my life? Absolutely not. Am I grateful for them, however? Most certainly. I’ve learned to love deeper, praise harder, appreciate the little things, how to be content, how to want and “need” less. I’ve learned what truly matters in life, and what is just trivial. I’ve learned that sometimes, in order to get what we’ve prayed for, we must first be prepared to receive it; and with that, comes lessons, lessons that may come in the form of trials. What’s the saying...“nothing worth having ever comes easy?” Sure that’s not a scripture, but it is the central theme of many bible stories told of many great men.

What is the moral of my story? God’s love is enough. His grace is sufficient and will carry you through your darkest of nights. Even when you feel unworthy, you are worthy to Him.

God’s grace has carried me this far, and by His grace I will carry on.

Don’t give up, dear child.